We’re living through unprecedented times. Covid-19 has highlighted a timeless human struggle about uncertainty. We cannot tolerate not knowing.
We crave certainty. We like predictability. We strive for control by putting people and issues into two categories: good or bad, right or wrong, moral or amoral, beautiful or ugly, yes or no, black or white. It’s seems so easy to manage our life this way; just pick between two choices.
Unfortunately, the world is entirely made of up of varying shades of gray. Almost every person, issue, or problem is nuanced. We are incredibly complicated creatures and we create extremely complex problems! We couldn’t possibly fit ourselves or our world into clean, tiny, little boxes of good or bad. Damn, if we don’t give it a try though!
Almost all my clients over the past 18 years have been black and white thinkers. Polarized thinking is actually what lands most of them in my office. We’ve been culturally indoctrinated to believe that we’re supposed to feel “happy” or “good” all the time and when we don’t, there’s something wrong with our world, and we better fix it. Sometimes that’s true, but more often, it’s the inability to accept feeling momentarily uncomfortable. The in-between, unknown, uncertain moments are the hardest. I’ve spent most of my career as a therapist trying to help people, not just live in the gray, but embrace it. There are times when life requires action and other times that life requires patience and a new perspective.
This pandemic has brought laser focus to the inherent problem of polarized thinking. We want answers and we want them right now. Our lives are being turned upside down and inside out. For the love of god, could someone just tell us what to do?! Could we please get some clear answers without contradictions? Could we all just get on the same page and do the same thing?
Since there are no exact answers, we try to create certainty for ourselves. We pick a team, put on our jersey and defend our position. There’s a question, and there can only be two possible choices-kindly pick one. People vs. Economy, Safety vs. Fear, This Scientist vs. That Scientist...you get the picture. Except maybe it’s not that easy. Maybe there’s the gray-the space where we have to hold all the options as possibilities.
If you’ve never had the mind-numbing experience of taking a college research and statistics class, or reading actual scientific literature, you might not fully understand how research works. Here’s my incredibly simple description: Scientific research is a long, arduous process defined by very specific criteria. You have to decide what to study, define all the minute details of your methodology-how, who, when, for how long, under what circumstances, what variable will stay the same, what variable will be different, etc.
You then have to perform the experiment and document all the results. You have to do all this in a way that can be replicated by other scientists. At the end of your research, you write up the results and include a section for what questions this specific study may have answered and what questions need further research. It’s only after several research studies have come to the same conclusion, using all the same methodology, that we can safely call something a “fact.” This process takes years. How long have we known about Covid-19? Six months-max? I have food in my pantry older than that.
So, what do we know about this virus right now? Not a whole heck of a lot! And what we think we know based on preliminary research, will change next week when new research comes out. That’s how this whole thing works. It’s very gray in the beginning stages. Not because anyone is trying to fool you, but because the process works that way.
If you’re a black and white thinker, you’ve possibly come to the conclusion that the government is lying to us or they have no idea what they’re doing because the information keeps changing and therefore, they shouldn’t be trusted. Or maybe you decided any public place is completely off limits for the next year. How can we make decisions based on a moving target? Not knowing is incredibly anxiety -provoking.
On the other hand, you may have watched some YouTube videos of doctors who are handing you certainty. Certainty feels good. They must know the truth. I’ll believe them, because I have to believe something concrete. When I know what to believe there’s a clear path forward. Everyone else is blindly following a corrupt government. I know the truth. I feel empowered and momentarily less anxious. I also feel angry and resentful. I see the world as “out to get me.” Inevitably, you will feel more anxious in the long run.
Understanding the fluidity of this situation means I have to accept ambiguity. I have to be ok with not knowing. I have to understand that recommendations will change with changing information. I have to appreciate the scientific process and be flexible enough to tailor my behavior to current research, while also recognizing that what we’ve been doing might be considered unnecessary in a few months (aka worrying about wiping down groceries.)
Leaning into the uncertainty, might create more anxiety initially, but over-time, you’ll learn to become more of a problem solver, you’ll be more adaptable, more flexible in your thinking. You’ll start to see the world in gray and be more comfortable living without absolutes.
Here’s the reality of our current existence: We just don’t know enough yet. Maybe everyone is right to a degree, maybe everyone is wrong to a degree. Maybe there’s some really important information that hasn’t even been discovered, but it may come along three months from now. Maybe we’re doing things we don’t need to be doing or maybe we should do much more. We just can’t be sure.
It’s really a difficult place we’re in right now. This not knowing. It’s also a normal place to be in right now, because before we can know something we have to work through the painstaking process of uncovering information. Part of that process will involve conflicting data. Can you tolerate the not knowing? Many cannot, and politicians love it.
Our current political climate loves polarized thinkers. Politicians have grabbed onto this emotionally charged issue, like so many others, and made it an us vs. them battle. You’re either about saving people’s physical health or saving their financial and emotional health-and we all feel the desperate need to pick a side.
Like most of the other hot button issues in this country (healthcare, immigration…) polarizing politics prevents any actual work from being done. Politicians never seem to be having the right conversations. Like, how could we make this work? What needs to be fixed so each side is heard and contributes ideas to a resolution? What other information do we need to make good decisions? Instead, the conversation is a revolving door of whether or not something should happen. It’s a constant black and white, good/bad, right/wrong argument. As long as the conversation spins in this circle, no one has to DO anything.
Is it possible, that during this pandemic, we could stop trying to be right and attempt to be kind instead? Could we leave room for the unknown? Could we accept that we don’t have all the answers? Could we attempt to understand that everyone’s experience in this is different and therefore not inherently wrong? Could we decide that being a decent human being might mean wearing a mask even though we think it’s BS because right now it’s the best recommendation based on the current scientific research that we have? Or because there’s a possibility that it may prevent a high-risk person from getting the virus?
Could we leave room for the notion that the government isn’t out to make our life miserable, but rather trying to make the best decisions with the information they have, AND that some of those decisions are making our lives miserable and seem over the top? Can we hold the tension of these two ideas at the same time without picking a side? Can we try to live in the gray? Surviving and thriving under these circumstances requires it.
Living in the gray opens up a world of possibilities. A world where the answers don't have to fit neatly inside one of two boxes. It unlocks the infinite power of our imagination to create solutions. Nuance allows us the opportunity to cultivate compassion and empathy for those who disagree with us. Maybe we could drop our righteousness for a hot second and ask a few simple questions: What can I do to help myself right now? What can I do to help others right now? What can I do to remember this isn’t just about me? How can I contribute to this situation without doing harm or adding to the chaos and division? How can I remember to filter all the information I’m receiving and sharing through the lens of scientific scrutiny? Living in the gray might be hard, but as one of my favorite writers, Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.”
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Before a team takes the field, the coach usually gives a pre-game speech. The pre-game speech is meant to fire up the team before the big game. The pre-game speech might also include a run through about what to expect during the game, how to handle certain plays from the opposing team and what the expectation is for each player-The Game Plan.
Parenting is a lot like coaching. Providing your kids a game plan before they undertake a task can be just what they need for success. Remember a few posts ago when we talked about executive functions-the brain’s board of directors? Children have a sketchy board of directors at best. We can step in as parents and create a temporary board member by going over the game plan in advance. In the book The Explosive Child by Ross Green, he uses a similar philosophy and calls it a Plan B. Green’s book is a must read for any parent with an inflexible child, but his ideas work well with all kids.
Here’s a timely example: mom and dad are working from home and they both have important conference calls. Interruptions would be unwise. Most parents might tell their kids, “I’m going to be on a call for the next 30 minutes. Please don't come into my office until I say it’s ok.” For some kids, these instructions might be enough (maybe like 3 kids in the world.) For the rest of our precious offspring, we’re going to need a game plan. The game plan is a detailed outline of all the things that might happen and how you want your child to handle it. You’re going to come up with every conceivable scenario that could occur in the 30 minutes you need to be on your call, talk your child through each of those scenarios and layout your expectations. It might go something like this:
Mom: “I have an important meeting at 10am and I can’t have any interruptions.”
Mom: “what does no interruptions mean?”
Child: “Don't come in your office.”
Mom: “Right! What about if you want a snack? What could you do?”
Child: “come ask you?”
Mom: “Nope, remember no interruptions. If you want a snack, go ahead and grab one from the pantry, you don't have to ask.”
Mom: “What if you have a question about your schoolwork?”
Child: “I could write it down and ask you when you’re done?”
Mom: “That’s a great idea, I love it! Yes, write down any questions about your schoolwork.”
Mom: “What if you’re sister is driving you crazy?”
Child: “Come and tell you.”
Mom: “Nope, remember no interruptions. You’ll have to walk away from her, and we will sort it out when I’m done.”
Mom: “Would there be any reason to open my office door while I’m in a meeting?”
Mom: “The only reason to open my door when I’m in the meeting will be if you are badly hurt and bleeding uncontrollably all over the floor.”
Mom: “Let’s make a list of activities you can do while I’m on my call. I’ll also post a sign on my door reminding you not to open it for any reason, unless it’s a super important emergency like someone is bleeding.”
That’s a Game Plan.
During non-pandemic life, I use the Game Plan all the time with my now 12-year-old daughter. She has ADHD, so forgetting things and getting distracted happen on the daily. We might create a game plan about what has to happen between getting off the bus and going to basketball practice. We might brainstorm a game plan for bedtime routines, taking a shower, getting chores done, etc. When she gets off task, all I have to say is “Sid, what are you supposed to be doing right now?” She will remember because we just went over the game plan. She’ll be able to get herself back on task or remember what the expectations are, and I never have to yell or nag.
You could make a game plan for a trip to the store or what needs to happen when it’s time to leave grandma’s house. Any situation that typically results in arguments, meltdowns, tears, yelling or frustration can be improved with a game plan.
The second idea I want to talk about is the Instant Replay. It's basically a do-over. We all say and do things without thinking. Inhibiting our behavior is another executive function. Ideally, we would have a 3 second pause between trigger and reaction, but for lots of kids (and some adults), that pause doesn't exist.
The Instant Replay creates a pause. It gives your child a second to rethink what he just said or did. In my house it sounds like this “Hey, you wanna try that again?”
It indicates to my daughter that whatever she just said isn't very nice, so she now has the option to make a different choice. Which she always does, and we move on. No punishment and no yelling. Just an opportunity to teach her the importance of thinking before she speaks or acts. This typically works much better than “What did you just say? Go to your room!”
Try it this week. Create game plans for a few frustrating situations and allow an instant replay on poor choices. It makes for much less conflict and fewer meltdowns. We could all use a little more calm right now amidst the chaos. Good luck and let me know how it goes!
We keep hearing this word “resiliency” when people talk about today’s generation of kids and young adults. What is resilience? It’s the ability to manage stressful/challenging situations, bounce back and grow from them. Unfortunately, it seems some parents believe resilience is magically acquired and will arrive in the mail about the same time as a high school diploma. Or maybe they think it’s part of the normal developmental process, like puberty, and it just shows up automatically at the age of 18.
I'm here to burst that bubble. There’s no Resiliency Fairy. It’s a little bit more like learning to read-someone has to teach you.
As parents, one of our most important jobs is to teach and foster resilience. I think we can all agree that handling stress, disappointment, setbacks, and difficult personalities is a pretty useful life skill. So, the magic question is how do WE teach our kids to be resilient? STOP doing things for your kids, they can do for themselves.
Allow them to have tough conversations, make mistakes, fail and deal with the consequences of their choices. We need to let our kids to be uncomfortable! Which means WE have to be ok being uncomfortable, too. We need to let them bomb a test, sit the bench, talk to the coach, lose friends, order their own food, be late, be cold, be hot, apologize to a teacher...
Your job is to talk them through those difficult situations, give them ideas IF they ask, but it’s never to do the difficult thing for them.
Even if they’re scared and anxious, DO NOT step in and take it from them. Building resilience comes from facing a challenge, and realizing you handled it, especially when it was hard. Your job is to show your child that you believe in her ability to handle a situation, help prepare her for the situation and let her go. It’s important you don’t attach your confidence to the outcome, but to the process. Show trust in her ability to tackle a difficult situation and handle the consequences-good or bad.
Over-functioning for your child, will never create resiliency. Over-functioning breeds anxiety and fear. People have to actually DO the thing to know they can do the thing. Self-confidence and resilience are born out of experience.
How will she know how to manage her life if you’ve always done it for her? How will he know he can do hard things, if he hasn’t ever had to experience and overcome anything difficult?
As parents, we sabotage the opportunity to build resilience with subtle messages that children shouldn't trust themselves. We tell them to eat when they say they aren’t hungry. We tell them to keep their coats on after they tell us they’re hot. We wake them every morning, instead of allowing them to use an alarm. We talk to every teacher and coach they struggle with. We call parents when friends are mean, we order their food. We help finish a project instead of letting her get a bad grade. We fill out the college application, we don't teach them to cook or do laundry. We order their college books (seriously?), we still give our high schoolers a bedtime?! How will they ever build resilience if you rob them of the opportunity to take responsibility for themselves?
Trust me, I know how hard it is to watch your child hurt and struggle. I also know how rewarding it is to watch a child grow from adversity, overcome anxiety, and build self-confidence. Maybe it sounds overwhelming and scary to trust your kids to solve their own problems. Maybe you’re petrified they’ll mess up. I can almost guarantee they will. We want them to mess up! Remember, resilience is the ability to “bounce back” when something is difficult. It’s knowing you have the tools in place to deal with setbacks and adversity. It’s a knowledge that you can handle difficult situations and come out stronger on the other side.
When parents swoop in and takeover, the message is “you’re not capable of solving this yourself” and “I don’t trust your ability to manage your own life.” We don't do this intentionally, but that's the message your child internalizes. Those messages foster anxiety and self-doubt. Teaching resilience means trusting our child’s ability to make choices and deal with the consequences. Especially if they mess it up! Failure is a wonderful opportunity to learn, revise and redo.
Don’t wait for the Resiliency Fairy. Pay attention to the everyday little moments you have in front of you to help your child cultivate strength, confidence and self-worth.
Yes, that's what I said, punishment does not work. Discipline works, if done correctly, but punishment-not so much. The word discipline actually means “to teach.” Teaching your kids works great. Random punishments that have nothing to do with what you actually want your child to learn are useless.
Let’s take the example from yesterday’s tip. You’ve reminded your daughter 12 times to hang up her clean clothes and she still hasn’t done it. You’ve lost anything resembling patience, so you yell “I’m taking your phone for 2 days because you can’t do something when I ask you to do it!” Sound familiar? Of course, it does.
Almost every parent I know uses their child’s phone or electronics to punish her when she “misbehaves.” Does taking her phone away teach her how to remember to put her clothes away? NO, it does not! Those two things are not connected at all. I know, lots of you are thinking, well if she wasn't on her phone so much, she’d be taking care of her stuff. Would she? Can you guarantee that? I don't think so.
Our goal as parents is to raise responsible, resilient, kind, loving, hard-working, productive, happy adults, right? If that’s your goal, you have to teach those skills. If she’s forgetting things when you ask, help her create ways to remember-teach her ways to help her meet your expectations. No punishment required.
Let’s say a consequence is actually in order-maybe your son hit or kicked his sibling. Obviously not acceptable, but make sure the consequence fits the crime. Taking away his electronics or sending him to bed early doesn’t teach him how to be kind.
So, the consequence has to be a way for him to show kindness to his brother, right? Maybe putting away his brother’s laundry for the week, doing one of his brother’s chores for the week, allowing his brother to go first every time for the next few days? Do you get the idea? No punishment required.
Things should only be taken away, when the “thing” was used inappropriately. If you’re teen used their phone to send a nasty text message (or worse), taking the phone away IS the natural consequence. If your teen didn't turn her homework in on time, taking her phone away doesn't teach her how to honor a deadline.
Discipline means “to teach.” Teaching our kids always works.
I truly believe all kids will do well if they can. Lots of people think kids will do well if the want to. They might be wrong.
Developmentally kids are born people pleasers until they reach about age 12. Then hormones and lived experience start to create some interesting issues, but up until that time, kids want to make you (the adults) happy. So, if your child is struggling to “behave” maybe ask yourself and your child-what’s getting in the way? Maybe your expectations don’t match his ability? Kids will do well if they can, so if they’re not doing well—it’s on us to figure it out.
Most of the kids I know and work with aren’t walking around trying to figure out how to upset you and push all your buttons. Developmentally, they can’t even create those kinds of calculated thoughts. If kids aren’t doing well, there’s always a reason. Sometimes it’s simple—they’re tired or hungry or you’ve reached the limit of shopping they can handle. That’s on you, not them. Adjust your expectations and be proactive, not reactive.
If your daughter has a problem remembering to hang up her clothes-she’s not doing it because she wants to watch you lose your mind for the 12th time this week. She might just be forgetting--kids do that--they honestly forget. So instead of yelling at her “I’ve told you 3 times to hang up your clothes! I’m taking your phone away for the night!” Try “It looks like you’re having a hard time remembering to hang up your clothes each day, let’s brainstorm some different ways to help you remember.” Hear the difference?
Kids brains are developing well into their 20’s, especially the frontal lobe which control all the executive functions. Executive functions are what can be called the brain’s Board of Directors. They control things like starting a task, remembering information, controlling impulsive behaviors, regulating emotions, time management, and organization.
In kids, the board of directors isn’t fully functioning. Some days they don't show up at all, sometimes only a few are at the meeting, other times board members might be asleep or fighting with each other. This is especially true for kids with ADHD, but it’s also important to remember that these executive functions develop over time in all kids.
So, when it seems like you’ve been battling all day with your kids about not listening, making a mess, fighting with their siblings, or forgetting things; please remember kids do well if they can. Take a minute and talk with her about the struggle and create a plan to solve the problem.
If your child is struggling academically, it’s your job to figure out why. There is a reason, and 95% of the time that reason is NOT because of the teacher. The reason could be a hundred things like he’s not getting enough sleep at night, he needs his hearing or vision checked, it might be a learning disability or ADHD—there’s always a reason.
That reason needs to be figured out and dealt with, not ignored. I have zero tolerance for anyone who says things like “she just needs to try harder” or “if he would just apply himself more” or “I know she’s capable, she just needs to do the work.” There’s a reason and it’s our job as parents to do whatever it takes to figure it out. If she could do well, she would do well.
Once I really embraced this idea, it was pretty easy for me to stop yelling and start problem solving. I saw my kids very differently. Their behavior didn't feel personal anymore. I no longer felt the need to “win” a battle about taking out the trash. I understood it was my job to help them figure out what the roadblock was, but they weren’t purposely throwing up the roadblocks.
It’s not magic, they’ll still drive you to the edge of insanity sometimes, but this perspective gave me a completely different toolbox to use when I found myself walking the ledge.